Backwards, and Forwards
THIS IS HOW WE WORK (IN REVERSE)
5.01pm Fiver does one before Fiver Ed comes round to ask for a quick word.
4.58pm Fiver pops into cubicles to sob. Fiver pulls itself together, washes face, looks in mirror. Thought so. Dead behind the eyes. Nothing there any more. Nothing left to give.
4.55pm „Reading manager Alan Pardew will buy canada goose parka uk take over as manager of West Ham United from October 18, it was announced at the High Court today, after the Berkshire club sought an injunction.“
4.50pm Fiver convinces itself that it’s doing the right thing: it’s quite a big story that only broke just as deadline was approaching; the Spurs thing we were writing was dreadful; it was a bit of a non-story anyway; also, we’re having a few problems at home; oh, you know, buy canada goose jacket cheap the usual; credit card bills piling canada goose coat 1000 bulbs led up since you ask; and she hasn’t come near me since the dog died; the whole family is on tablets.
4.49pm Fiver decides to repeat verbatim the Press Association snap and to hell with the consequences.
4.48pm Ah! Alan Pardew’s left West Ham!
4.32pm Fiver begins to seriously panic.
4.03pm Fiver writes introduction comparing Portsmouth to north London which comes down favourably on the side of the Hampshire port principally because of the chances you get to cop off with sailors down dark alleys.
3.40pm After a 40-minute search, Fiver concludes there really is nothing to write about, so decides to spin something out of Harry Redknapp ruling himself out of a rumoured move to Spurs by saying: „There is nothing in buy canada goose parka ottawa it as far as I’m concerned and I’m more than happy with the job I have at Portsmouth.“
3pm Fiver has a bad feeling about this afternoon that it can’t really explain at present.
In the crazy world of football, chairmen can be divided into two camps. Nine times out of 10, they’re some bespectacled bore banging on about the PLC, profit margins and hospitality boxes. Every so often, however, in struts a maverick to upset the order and rip up can you wash a canada goose parka the rule book. Jesus Gil was one, the kind of chap who’d suggest critics „stick his heart up their arse“, then threaten to kill all his players. And Dundee (fruit)cake Giovanni di Stefano is clearly another.
You see, just weeks after suggesting the Dundee team should be selected by a Pop Idol-style phone vote, the Dee chairman – and legal representative to Harold Shipman, Saddam Hussein and Slobodan Milosevic – has challenged the Old Firm’s domination by signing, eh, Fabrizio Ravanelli. „He has signed a two-year contract,“ he cooed at the official site. „On Monday, we’ll make a formal announcement.“ Only that’s not quite true. „I want to talk with my family over the next best fake canada goose jacket few days just to make sure that I am taking the best decision for them,“ said the White Feather, „but I am desperate to play for Dundee. I cannot wait to get there to fall in love all over again.“ Ahem.
Now Ravanelli’s signing alone may raise an eyebrow, maybe even both, as does the rumour linking Andrei Kanchelskis with a move to Dens Park. But it’s Di Stefano’s way with the press that marks him down as something special. Reacting to that latter link, where „no comment“ would normally do, he chose downright disrespect. „Who the bloody hell is Kanchelskis? I’ve never heard of him!“ he snorted. Then, when asked about other big-name signings, he turned on the sleaze. „Let’s put it canada goose coat 1000 bulbs this way,“ he purred, „everybody is interesting but we are married men so we have to leave it at that.“ Mr Di Stefano, the Fiver salutes you.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
„I’m sorry that what I said has been interpreted in the way it has been as it was never my intention to cause any offence to anyone. I’m sure that the game will be played in a great atmosphere. Football matches should be a party“ – Sven-Goran Eriksson no longer thinks England fans will have their throats slit in Istanbul next month, preferring instead to imagine party poppers and Party Sevens.
THE INAUGURAL FIVER PR PERSON OF THE YEAR AWARD 2003
„Dear Fiver,“ writes Charlie Light, founder of Seldom Records. „I run this very small label and am attempting to inject some life into the manufactured, image-obsessed music industry. As you can imagine getting any sort of promotion is nigh on impossible unless you’re some kind of Adonis.“
Or the Fiver, of course. Eh? Oh. So what rock n‘ roll hedonistic goodness has Chris supplied to entice us into giving him a mention? Enough Colombian marching canada goose coat 1000 calorie a day meal plan powder to supply the whole of Farc, perhaps? A signed photo of Peter Brame? Er, no. „A hand-numbered (by yours truly) 0259/1000 five-track CD sampler!“ In fairness, it’s actually pretty good, even if the last song does go on for 9 minutes and 52 seconds (for more details seek out, www.seldomrecords.co.uk).
Meanwhile Paul Griffin from the Physics Department of the University of Durham is on the sniff. „If you lot don’t want that ‚Jack Charlton tat‘, featuring as it does a superb Irish team, then please feel free to forward it on to me here,“ he says. Wait a minute, Paul, that’s our job! Still, no problem – come and collect whenever you’re in town, although it would be nice to receive a light-emitting diode or Van der Graaf generator in return.
Come on, PR people! There’s still time to live the dream/attract AB readers galore by sending your goodies to The Fiver PR Person Of The Year Awards, The Fiver, Fiver Towers, 3-7 Ray Street, London EC1R 3DR. What are you waiting for? What? Ah.
THE RUMOUR MILL
Rio Ferdinand will join Real Madrid when the transfer window opens in January, according to Marca, according to an email some bloke’s sent us.
Chelsea apparently tried to sign Owen Hargreaves in the summer. Hargreaves‘ response? „It was not a question of me accepting the offer as Bayern told me that they were not interested.“
And Frank McAvennie’s least favourite man, Lou Macari click cg, could be set for a return to management if Stockport County ditch Carlton Palmer.
NEWS IN BRIEF
Thierry Henry has warned Manchester United to expect a Big Cup backlash when Arsenal meet the champions on Sunday. „I don’t think any of the lads are scared of going to Manchester United, I think that’s the best thing to do now,“ said Henry, after Internazionale humbled the Gunners 3-0 at Highbury last night. „This is one of the biggest games in England, you have to get ready for it, there is no choice.“
Big-boned Bolton boss Sam Allardyce has revealed he made a cheeky bid to tempt Gudni Bergsson out of retirement. „I asked Gudni at the Chairman’s Ball and even after I plied him with two bottles of wine he wouldn’t say yes,“ scoffed Sam. „So that’s a non-starter.“ Bergsson, 37, is now a lawyer in his native Iceland.
And even on a slow news day, who cares that Chelsea have appointed a man named Paul Smith to stand in for Peter Kenyon until the money-hungry turncoat can take over in the same role at Stamford Bridge?
TONIGHT’S TV & RADIO
Channel 4: Brazilian Championship Football (1.40am) Like speedy Boeing 737s around Leeds-Bradford international airport, your anecdotes of multi-millionaire northern entertainer, Mike Carpet, continue to fly in.
Channel 5: Jonathan Pearce’s Football Night (12.35am) „I think Mike might even have sponsored one of the teams in our Leeds Poly (as was) Wednesday afternoon football league,“ says Justin Hall in an email cunningly titled „Mike Carpet, Yorkshire’s Abramovich.“
Dutch Football (1.15am) Mmm. Such philanthropy clearly cuts no ice with Gavin Barber, however.
Argentinian Football (2.45am) „Re: Mike of Mike’s Carpets, as described in the precis of Yorkshire TV’s documentary about him. If he is worth £20m, why does he need to sing in pubs to raise money for his autistic son?“ he fumes.
Argentinian Football Highlights (4.15am) „Doesn’t he allow his family to benefit from his carpet fortune? What a tightwad.“
Major League Soccer – Chicago Fire v LA Galaxy (5am) Indeed. Elsewhere, Chris Jones reckons „Border TV in the 80s was rife with rotten regional adverts, usually for farming related products.
Sky One: Football Years (9pm) „Among the usual ads for can you wash a canada goose parka tractor dealerships, stout wellingtons and wax jacket retailers, there is one that still sticks in my memory,“ he reminisces, a la Maconie. „It was for some kind of sheep/cow dip stuff and featured a list of everything it exterminated including something called ‚inhibited ostertagia‘.
Sky Sports 1: Football League Review (8pm) „They were particularly proud about this, because the words ‚inhibited ostertagia‘ would flash on and off like those ‚Girls! Girls! Girls!‘ signs you see in London’s fashionable Soho.
You’re on Sky Sports (1am) „I still have no idea what inhibited ostertagia is, but I’m glad there is something out there which can deal with it.“
Radio Five Live: Sport on Five (7pm) Finally, our last bad regional ad of the day comes from the one-time British colony of Canada.
Talksport: Football First in Europe (7pm) „In Toronto we have a low cost furniture and appliance store called Bad Boy and the pitch was that they had the lowest prices and nobody (or as the ad thundered NOOOOO-BODY ) could sell for less,“ writes Brian Cruickshank.
Newstalk 106 (www.newstalk106.ie): Off the Ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm) „The ad was annoyingly delivered by the company owner president Mel Lastman. But – incredibly – Toronto bought into his spiel and he is now one of the longest-serving average cost canada goose jacket mayors in the western world.“ You couldn’t make it up, could you? Email your ad-stars-turned-politicans/bad regional ads to firstname.lastname@example.org.
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„DANIEL BEDINGFIELD WAS A REALLY COOL, INTELLIGENT BLOKE – OBVIOUSLY WITH AN AMAZING TALENT“